Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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