She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
