Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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