By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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