i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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