I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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