Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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