dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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