I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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