Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
