I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
