just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
