i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van