I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
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We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
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Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
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YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.