my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
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I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
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I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.