you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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