is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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