genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
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