a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
The beer is more important than you right now.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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