i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
