Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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