is your mom at the bar?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
you had me at cake vodka
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
