I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She's like a pop up book from hell.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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