I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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