finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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