I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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