I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
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My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
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I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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