there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
