peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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