I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
try to milk me bitch
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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