I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
