Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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