ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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