NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
