I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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