He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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