new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
