I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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