normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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