hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
