so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
