i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize