I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
