If that was your dad, he is hot
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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