I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
