You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
