Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
