Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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