Your mouth is God's brothel.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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