I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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