this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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