Can i not drive my cunt home
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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