My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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