And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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