The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
