i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
