The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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