If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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