I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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