I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
